🩷 What Does Connection Really Mean?
We see the phrase “connection before correction” everywhere these days — and as a human, mom, teacher, and parent coach, I completely agree!
But what does that really mean?
And what does it look like in everyday life?
Start With Yourself
To truly connect with another person, especially a child, we have to first slow down and connect with ourselves.
That begins with being honest about where we’re at ...our energy, emotions, and expectations.
It’s easy to skip this step when life feels busy, but awareness is what allows us to show up with steadiness instead of reactivity.
💬 “We can’t give what we don’t have.”
When we’re dysregulated or disconnected from ourselves, our children feel it.
So we practice pausing, breathing, and noticing:
What am I feeling right now? What do I need?
And then comes the compassion piece. We have to love all of our parts...the calm and the chaotic, the confident and the uncertain. (This can be hard at times, I get it, this step is a MUST!)
Self-compassion doesn’t mean we get it right all the time; it means we treat ourselves with kindness when we don’t.
When we do this inner work, we become steady role models for our kids.
They learn emotional safety from watching us practice it, not from watching us be perfect.
It’s the process that matters ...the effort to return, reconnect, and repair.
When Life Gets Stressful
Of course, there are seasons when life feels heavy or chaotic , when major events, transitions, or stressors knock us off our center.
Maybe it’s a move, a job change, health challenges, a diagnosis or emotional strain.
In those moments, even the most patient and grounded parent can feel disconnected.
That doesn’t mean you’ve failed.
It means you’re human.
💬 “The goal isn’t perfect balance — it’s noticing when you’ve drifted and finding your way back.”
Maybe it’s taking a quiet moment before re-entering a room, stepping outside for a few breaths, journaling, or reaching out to someone supportive.
Each of these small acts helps you return to yourself so you can show up again with presence and compassion.
Awareness is the first step.
Practice keeps you steady.
And repair brings you back into connection.
Laying the Foundation
When we lead with connection, we’re building a foundation of trust, safety, and love.
From there, we can teach skills without undermining a child’s self-esteem or damaging the relationship.
(And a big reminder ...none of us do this perfectly all the time, and that’s okay! That’s why we have repair.)
💬 “Connection isn’t about letting go of boundaries, t’s about creating the safety where learning becomes possible.”
When children feel seen and safe, their brains move from “fight or flight” to “I can listen and learn.”
Parenting a young child, especially one with unique needs, can feel like juggling ten things at once while trying not to drop the most important one: connection.
Connection vs. Control
Here’s the truth: control feels safe to us as adults.
It gives the illusion that if we can just get them to listen, everything will stay calm and predictable.
But control often shuts down the very thing we’re trying to build... connection.
When we focus too much on controlling our child’s behavior, we miss the opportunity to teach through relationship.
Control can create resistance, while connection creates cooperation.
💬 “Control creates resistance. Connection creates cooperation.”
Connection doesn’t mean letting kids run the show... it means leading with respect.
It’s about being a calm, confident guide instead of a commander.
Trust me, I know , I’ve tried both ways!
And you will too. That’s part of parenting… finding your own path.
When we move away from trying to control, and instead focus on influence through relationship, our children learn to trust, listen, and follow because they feel understood, not because they’re afraid.
That’s the heart of positive discipline and long-term growth.
Connection Is…
Connection is about meeting in the middle, being a respectful leader, and guiding your child through moments of learning.
We are constantly pulled between wanting to teach, guide, and correct our children while also knowing, deep down, that what they really need most is to feel safe and understood.
That’s where the magic happens....connection before correction.
When our kids are dysregulated, melting down, refusing, or just plain done, our natural instinct is to “fix it” or stop the behavior.
But the truth is, their brains can’t learn in those moments.
Their emotional brain (the amygdala) has taken over, and no amount of talking, reasoning, or lecturing will work until they feel safe again.
Connection in Action
So what does connection really look like in everyday moments?
Connection is about shared experiences...seeing the other person’s perspective and understanding what they might be thinking or feeling.
It means slowing down, creating safety (with and sometimes for them), before placing a demand.
It does not mean you agree or would handle the situation the same way, remember, these are their feelings, not yours.
Your job in that moment isn’t to fix or change how they feel, but to acknowledge and stay present through it.
And what exactly is a “demand”? It can look different for everyone, especially for children.
Sometimes we think we’re connecting when we’re actually creating pressure.
For example, your child comes home after a long day, and you start asking questions to show interest.
You mean well, but to them, those questions might feel like a demand.
Your intent is love...their experience is overwhelm.
What Connection Might Look Like
Connection doesn’t always come through big conversations or perfectly timed responses.
Often, it’s found in the small, gentle gestures that remind a child, “You’re not alone.”
✨ A simple hand squeeze and softly saying, “We can do this,” when your child feels nervous or unsure.
✨ When they’re starting to wind up, a gentle touch on their back or a quiet reminder that you’re right there with them.
✨ When they’re upset or dysregulated, allowing them a moment alone or space to tantrum safely, knowing your calm presence is nearby.
✨ Sometimes, the most powerful connection is simply saying, “I believe you. It’s okay to have a hard time. When you’re ready, we can try again.”
💬 “Connection is presence, the steady heartbeat beneath the chaos that tells your child, ‘You’re safe, you’re seen, and I’m not going anywhere.’”
Why This Matters
This is how we build trust, emotional safety, and long-term resilience.
It’s not about being permissive, it’s about being present.
As parents, we often get so busy wanting to teach, correct, and help our kids do their best, from the most loving place possible, that we forget to meet them where they are and lay the foundation first.
I understand this deeply and have been caught in it myself...as both a teacher and a parent.
Connection before demands or correction will help your little one learn and grow in a safe and solid place.
Connection first, and then correct, redirect, or set a limit...because when safety and relationship come first, everything else follows.
And it all begins with connecting to yourself.
Be honest, be kind, and keep practicing self-compassion because the steadier you become inside, the safer your child feels beside you.
💛
Written by Kirsten Nichter, MSEd
Certified Jai Parent Coach & Certified Positive Discipline Educator
If you need support on your parenting journey, reach out for a free connection call 💗
https://www.connectionsparentcoaching.com/
For more tips on parenting follow me on instagram @connectionsparentcoaching
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