❤️Finding the Middle Ground in Parenting
The Shift: Two Things Can Be True
🩶TWO THINGS CAN BE TRUE:
How Letting Go of All-or-Nothing Thinking Changed My Parenting and My Healing
I still remember the very first time I got a call from the school nurse after Aidan went back to school following his diagnosis. His blood sugar was low, completely understandable on the first day back, when routines are new and everyone is still figuring things out. But in that moment, logic didn’t matter. I didn’t pause. I didn’t breathe. I panicked.
I flew out of the house so fast that I wasn’t thinking at all... I was just reacting. My heart was racing, my mind was spinning, and fear was making every decision for me. I was so focused on getting to him that I didn’t even see my neighbor’s car… and I took off the side-view mirror as I raced to the school!
Standing there, staring at the mirror hanging by a wire, something clicked.
That was the moment I realized:
Parenting a child with special needs was going to bring fear and panic… but I still had a choice in how I responded.
And it also reminded me that sometimes we hit those breaking-open moments — not because we’re failing, but because we’re human.
I didn’t learn overnight. I’m still learning.
I don’t share any of this because I do it perfectly... I don’t think any parent does.
I share it because this was the moment that changed everything for me.
🌙 When Fear Leads the Way
Parenting has a way of bringing out every part of us:) the regulated, grounded pieces and the scared, overwhelmed parts we didn’t even know were there.
Fear. Panic. Urgency.
Before we even have a chance to think.
This automatic response isn’t a failure.
It’s human.
But when fear and panic go unnamed, when they make the decisions for us, we slide into all-or-nothing thinking... the mental space where everything feels black or white, right or wrong, all in or all out.
It sounds like:
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“Either my kid is right or I am.”
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“Either I give them everything or nothing.”
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“Either I take on all their feelings or I’m a bad parent.”
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“Either they listen the first time or they’re being disrespectful.”
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“Either this behavior stops right now or they’ll never learn.”
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“Either I stay calm 100% of the time or I’m failing.”
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“Either I fix the problem immediately or things will get worse.”
All-or-nothing thinking makes us yo-yo between extremes:
Overgiving → Overcorrecting
Rescuing → Detaching
Permissive → Rigid
Never finding steady ground.
And when we're in the extremes, everything feels chaotic and out of control.
Everything changed for me when I learned that two things can be true at the same time.
Not because it made parenting easier, but because it made parenting clearer.
Two things can be true:
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I’m overwhelmed and I’m still capable.
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My child is struggling and they’re still a good kid.
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This moment is hard and it’s temporary.
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I feel triggered and I can still pause.
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My child can be upset and I can hold the boundary.
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I can feel afraid and make a grounded choice.
This isn’t pretending everything is fine.
This isn’t forcing ourselves into fake calm.
And it’s definitely not toxic positivity.
✨ Why This Is Not Toxic Positivity
Toxic positivity tells us to ignore the hard parts, to swallow our feelings, to “just stay positive,” even when reality is messy or painful.
But embracing two things can be true does the opposite.
It lets us acknowledge the full truth of a moment...
the hard and the hopeful,
the messy and the meaningful,
the struggle and the strength.
And when we see the whole picture, we can hold limits and boundaries from a place of confidence and respect, not fear or urgency.
“This is hard AND the boundary stays.”
“You’re upset AND I’m right here.”
“You don’t like this AND I know you can handle it.”
That’s the opposite of pretending.
It’s grounded, intentional parenting.
🌤 Stepping Out of Fear and Panic
We can’t stop fear from showing up.
We can’t stop panic from firing.
Those responses are wired into us.
But we can learn to notice them.
We can’t stop fear from showing up.
We can’t stop panic from firing.
Those responses are wired into us.
But we can learn to notice them.
This is where everything shifts:
Not by shutting fear down,
but by naming it and inviting it in next to us.
When fear and panic show up.. and they will ..we don’t have to push them away.
We can invite them in for a moment, sit with them, and get curious.
Instead of reacting, we can pause and ask ourselves:
“What’s really happening right now?”
“Is this an actual emergency, or just my body remembering what fear feels like?”
“Is this situation truly dangerous, or just uncomfortable?”
“Are these facts, or are these my feelings?”
This simple awareness helps us separate truth from reaction.
By naming fear and sitting with it, we remind our nervous system that it’s safe to slow down, and from that calmer place, we can make grounded, thoughtful parenting decisions instead of impulsive ones.
“Oh, I see you, fear.”
“I know why you’re here.”
“You’re trying to convince me there’s only one truth.”
“But I don’t have to choose the extremes.”
This moment of awareness softens urgency, widens perspective, and helps us make present, grounded parenting decisions instead of reactive ones.
🌾 The Middle Ground Creates Better Parenting Decisions
The middle ground doesn’t guarantee calm days or perfect outcomes.
It guarantees clarity.
It lets us respond instead of react.
And it allows us to say:
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“Your feelings are welcome, and your behavior still has boundaries.”
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“You’re responsible for your choices; I’m responsible for supporting you.”
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“You can be upset; I can stay steady.”
This is where accountability lives ...without shame.
This is where children build emotional ownership ...without fear.
This is where connection grows ...without conditions.
🌻 Clear Limits + Choice + Impact + Support
(Where two things can be true becomes practical)
Middle-ground parenting looks like this:
1️⃣ We communicate clear limits ahead of time.
2️⃣ Our child makes a choice.
3️⃣ They feel the impact of that choice.
4️⃣ We stay nearby while they move through the feelings.
Their choice.
Their feelings.
Their responsibility.
Your steadiness.
This isn’t punishment.
This isn’t rescuing.
This is teaching.
🌼 Why I’m So Passionate About This (And Why It Matters for Their Future)
One of the biggest reasons I’m so passionate about teaching these skills is because we’re not just raising kids for today, we’re raising the adults they’ll become. Learning to step out of all-or-nothing thinking, tolerate discomfort, regulate emotions, hold boundaries, and see multiple perspectives… these are not just “parenting tools.” They are life skills.
Our children won’t always have us beside them when things feel overwhelming or confusing. They will grow into adults who need to navigate relationships, conflict, stress, disappointment, and real-world pressure. They’ll need to know how to pause instead of panic, how to see more than one truth, how to hold themselves accountable without shame, and how to communicate with respect instead of urgency.
If we teach these skills early, in small, everyday moments... we give our children something far more valuable than compliance.
We give them emotional literacy, perspective-taking, and the capacity for regulation, the things that allow them to actually function in the world.
We’re not doing this so today is easy.
We’re doing this because today’s skills become tomorrow’s adulthood.
🌟 A Closing Reflection
All-or-nothing thinking tries to convince us we only have two choices: control or chaos, rescue or detach, perfect or failing.
But this isn’t true.
We have a middle ground.
A place where two things can be true, where fear can show up and we can choose differently, where we can be human and still be steady.
Learning this didn’t make me perfect...
it made me present.
And every time I choose that middle ground, I teach my child how to find it too.
With Kindness,
Kirsten
If you need support on your parenting journey, reach out for a free connection call 💗
https://www.connectionsparentcoaching.com/
For more tips on parenting follow me on instagram @connectionsparentcoaching
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