The Messy Middle of Parenting and Why Mistakes Matter


You Will Make Mistakes...That’s Not the Problem. That’s the Solution.

The other day, I was in the middle of explaining something to one of my daughters, really explaining it. You know the kind. The in-the-moment processing, the teaching, the words pouring out because you want to help it make sense right now.

And my other daughter said,
“Mom, not now.”

A few years ago, that probably would have hit me differently. I might have felt defensive. Dismissed. Like I needed to finish my point or make sure I was understood.

But in that moment, I paused.

And honestly? I felt grateful.

Grateful that she felt safe enough to say it.
Grateful that I noticed my urge to keep explaining.
Grateful that I could hold both...my intention to help and the reminder that timing matters.

I wasn’t mad.
I didn’t get it perfect.
But I noticed.

And that’s the work.

I don’t do this all the time. I miss it plenty. But in that moment, I could feel the difference between reacting and choosing.

This is the messy middle of parenting...the space between knowing better and doing better.

It’s the place where we learn to pause.
Where we start making choices based on our values instead of our instincts.
Where we practice new skills, knowing they won’t be perfect at first, because new skills take time.

For our kids.

And for us.

____________________________________________________________________________________

Somewhere along the way, many of us were taught that good parenting looks calm, controlled, and confident at all times. That if we just learned the right tools, said the right words, or followed the right method, we wouldn’t mess things up.

But real parenting doesn’t work that way.

You will raise your voice.

You will miss cues.
 You will react instead of respond.
 You will say something you wish you could take back.
That’s the practice.
The problem is what happens after the mistake...the shame spiral, the self-blame, the belief that we’ve failed or caused irreparable harm.
It’s uncomfortable.
It’s humbling.
And it’s often where we want to quit or search for a perfect answer.
Understanding emotions doesn’t mean we always respond calmly.
Growth doesn’t happen in theory...it happens in real life, under pressure, when we’re tired, triggered, and doing the best we can.
They need parents who are willing to notice, reflect, and repair.
Teaching skills matters.
And neither works very well without the other.
Skills without empathy can feel cold, rigid, or disconnected.
It’s in coming back.

And here’s the hard truth:

That’s not the problem.

The problem isn’t that parents make mistakes.

This is the messy middle of parenting....the space between knowing better and doing better.
It’s where we learn to pause. Where we begin making choices based on our values instead of our reactions. Where we practice new skills while accepting that they won’t be perfect at first, because new skills take time.

For our kids.

And for us

And I want to say this clearly, because I live it too:

I get it.

I don’t write this from a place of having it all figured out. I write it as a parent who practices this daily, and still gets it wrong sometimes. Changing what we do and how we do it is much easier said than done.

Just ask my kids.

Knowing the tools doesn’t mean we use them perfectly.

And that’s exactly where the learning lives.

Children don’t need perfect parents.

When we slow down and ask:

  • What was my child communicating?

  • What was happening in my nervous system?

  • What skill was missing, and how do I learn it or teach it?

…we move out of blame and into growth.

Understanding feelings matters.

Empathy without skills can leave parents feeling stuck, exhausted, and unsure what to do next.

The work, the real work.... is learning to hold both.

This is the messy middle:

  • compassion and boundaries

  • understanding and guidance

  • grace and responsibility

And here’s the part that often surprises people:

This is also the magic.

The magic isn’t in getting it right the first time.

When children see us make mistakes and repair with honesty and care, they learn something far more important than compliance.

They learn that:

  • relationships can stretch without breaking

  • mistakes don’t end connection

  • repair is possible

  • growth doesn’t require perfection

And maybe most importantly....so do we.

Practicing the Messy Middle at Home

If this resonates, here are a few simple ways to begin practicing this approach....not perfectly, but intentionally.

1. Start using AND language

2. Create an inner voice of compassion and positive self talk... for both you and your child(ren)
3. Look for the wins (especially the small ones)
4. Practice gratitude AND honesty
5. Choose one small, reasonable,values-based shift
Let it guide you...not judge you.

A Note About My Approach

Notice where your inner voice...or your words with your child, fall into either/or thinking.

All-or-nothing thinking tends to show up when we’re overwhelmed. AND language creates space, reminding us that we have options, and that we can respond from our values rather than from fear.

Practice shifting to AND:

  • “I’m frustrated and I love you.”

  • “This is hard and we’re figuring it out.”

  • “I am having a tough moment and I am learning.”

  • “I made a mistake and I can repair.”

This language teaches children (and reminds us) that multiple truths can exist at the same time. It softens shame and builds flexibility.

Pay attention to how you talk to yourself after a hard moment.

Instead of:

  • “I blew it.”

  • “I should know better.”

Try:

  • “That didn’t go how I wanted, and I’m learning.”

  • “I’m practicing... not failing.”

When children hear us speak to ourselves with compassion, they learn how to do the same.

At the end of the day, ask yourself, or your child:

  • “What went well today?”

  • “What felt a little easier?”

  • “Where did we try, even if it was messy?”

Wins don’t have to be big:

  • pausing for one breath

  • noticing a feeling

  • repairing after a hard moment

Those moments matter.

Both can exist together.

You might say:

  • “I’m grateful for our connection and today was exhausting.”

  • “There were hard moments and there were good ones too.”

This teaches children that gratitude doesn’t mean ignoring reality...it means holding the whole picture.

Instead of trying to change everything, choose one small shift to hold in mind this week.

Ask yourself:

  • “What matters most to me right now?”

  • “What value do I want to practice?”

Maybe it’s:

  • responding more slowly

  • repairing more intentionally

  • holding a boundary with kindness

  • offering yourself more grace

Keep that one intention close.

I support parents in finding the middle, the space where empathy and skill building coexist. My work is grounded in early childhood development, relationship based emotional understanding, and Positive Discipline informed practices. I help parents understand what’s behind behavior and teach practical, respectful skills they can use in daily life. Parenting is a practice, not a performance, and growth happens through reflection, repair, and self-compassion.

Remember
It’s about practicing with awareness, compassion, and intention.
This is the hard truth.
And this, slowly, imperfectly....is the magic.

This is not about doing it right.

This is the messy middle.


With hope and joy,

Kirsten



https://www.connectionsparentcoaching.com/


                      For more tips on parenting follow me on instagram @connectionsparentcoaching

                                                           

Comments

Post a Comment