The Parent Pause...The Skill That Changes Everything

The Parent Pause

A Skill That Changes Everything

The parent pause is a skill that can truly change everything.

Slowing down.
Being intentional.
Noticing...before reacting.

I hear so many reasons why we don’t or can’t pause as parents.
We’re busy.
Our schedules are packed.
“I’m just not like that.”
“It’s my kid, they’re the problem.”

And I get it.
I’ve said one or two of these myself in hard moments.

But at some point, I realized I had a choice.
I could stay stuck in a loop...frustrated, reactive, and exhausted ...or I could learn to see things differently, make different choices, and create the change I wanted.

The parent pause sounds simple in theory.
But it is hard in practice.

 And that's because it’s a practice.

A Real Moment (When I Didn’t Pause)

There’s a moment I often share in presentations because it reminds me how powerful , and how human our nervous systems are.

The first time the nurse called me about my son’s blood sugar, he was 8 and newly diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes... I panicked. 

Not a slow, thoughtful worry...a full-body, immediate panic.

I reacted quickly.
I rushed to get out of the house.
And in that state, without slowing down...I hit my neighbor’s car.

Nothing terrible happened. (A side view mirror incident) Everyone was okay.
But that moment stayed with me.

Because it wasn’t about being careless or irresponsible.
It was about what happens when our nervous system takes over and we don’t pause.

And parenting can feel like that call from the nurse.

Urgent.
Scary.

Overwhelming.

When we’re in that state, our brains aren’t accessing skills, they’re protecting us.

That’s why the pause matters.

 The pause isn’t about being calm all the time...it’s about supporting our nervous system so we have more access to choice when things feel urgent.

The pause isn’t something you master once and move on from. It’s a skill you return to again and again...because your child is constantly changing, and so are you.

So much affects our ability to pause:
Outside circumstances beyond our control.
Being sick.
Lack of sleep.
School closings.
Stress that quietly piles up.

And still ... I encourage parents to practice this skill.

Not because it’s easy.
But because it’s the starting point of real change.

Why the Parent Pause Matters

The pause gives us space to shift from reacting to responding.
From autopilot to intention.
From “I lost it again” to “I noticed, and I chose differently.”

This isn’t about being calm all the time.
It’s about becoming more aware.

When we pause, even briefly, we create choice... and choice is where intentional parenting lives.

The Pause Is Built Outside the Moment

One of the most important things to understand about the parent pause is this:

We don’t create the pause in the hardest moments ...we build it ahead of time.

When emotions are high, our nervous system takes over.
That’s not a failure ...it’s biology.

The ability to pause in the moment comes from how supported and regulated we are outside of those moments.

This is why the pause isn’t about willpower.
It’s about preparation.

How to Practice the Parent Pause Outside the Moment

You don’t need to do all of these.
One or two is enough.

Outside the moment, practice:

  • Noticing your patterns and taking time to reflect
    When do you feel most reactive? Mornings? Evenings? Transitions?

  • Setting a simple intention
    One sentence is enough:
    “Today, I want to respond with steadiness.”

  • Visualizing a hard moment
    Briefly imagine a challenging situation and how you’d like to show up.

  • Supporting your nervous system when things are calm
    This might look like movement, deep breathing, medication, self care, stepping outside, quiet time, or simply slowing down when you can.

These practices don’t eliminate hard moments... they build capacity.

What the Parent Pause Looks Like In the Moment

In the moment, the pause is often much smaller than we think it should be.

It might look like:

  • Taking one slow breath ...or three

  • Softening your shoulders or jaw

  • Saying less instead of more

  • Placing a hand on your body to ground yourself

  • Reminding yourself: “This is hard, and I can stay present.”

Sometimes the pause happens after you react,  and that still counts.

Because noticing is part of the practice.

The Gift of Repair 

There will be moments when you don’t pause.

Moments when you react.
Moments when your tone sharpens.
Moments you wish you could rewind.

This is where repair becomes a gift.

Repair doesn’t mean you failed.
It means you noticed.

Repair teaches children that relationships can bend without breaking.
That emotions don’t end connection.
That mistakes are part of being human.

Repair might sound like:

  • "I’m sorry I raised my voice, that is on me and I am working on that."

  • “I am sorry that I jumped to conclusions and didn't get curious, when your ready can we try again”

  • “Let’s try again.”

And repair starts with yourself.

Because self-compassion is what allows us to come back to intention instead of staying stuck in shame.


Self-Reflection (Without Shame)

Practicing the parent pause starts with honest self-reflection...not from shame, but from curiosity.

We all bring our own history, stress, and patterns into parenting.
That doesn’t make us bad parents.
It makes us human.

Some gentle questions to explore:

  • Who am I when I’m calm?

  • Who am I when I’m overwhelmed?

  • When do I tend to react instead of respond?

Awareness is not about judging yourself ...it’s about understanding yourself.

When the Pause Feels Impossible

There will be days when pausing feels out of reach.

On those days:

  • You didn’t fail

  • You didn’t lose the skill

  • Your nervous system simply needed more support

This is where repair comes in...with yourself first.

The pause doesn’t eliminate hard behavior.
It helps you stay grounded and intentional inside it

The Real Goal of the Parent Pause

The pause is not about controlling behavior.
It’s not about doing everything “right.”

The pause is about giving yourself choice.

Choice in how you speak.
Choice in how you respond.
Choice in how you repair.

And that choice, practiced over time, is what creates real change.

Remember

You don’t have to do all the things to be a good parent.
You don’t have to get it right all the time.

Your child doesn’t need perfection.
They need presence.

There will be days when the pause feels easier, and days when it feels out of reach.
Both are part of the practice.

Each time you notice, even after the moment has passed ...you are building awareness.
Each time you come back to your intention, you are strengthening the skill.

The parent pause isn’t about changing your child.
It’s about supporting yourself so you can show up with clarity, steadiness, and care.

And that’s where real change begins. AND this is what we want to model for our children!


With warmth,
Kirsten Nichter, MSEd
Certified Jai Parent Coach & Certified Positive Discipline Educator


If you need support on your parenting journey, reach out for a free connection call ðŸ’—

https://www.connectionsparentcoaching.com/


                      For more tips on parenting follow me on instagram @connectionsparentcoaching

                                                             

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