Finding the Balance Between Support and Expectations




Understanding and Guidance...Finding the Balance Parents Are Looking For

One of the things I notice again and again when working with parents, and something I remember deeply myself... is how unsure we often feel about where the balance is.

We want to be understanding and we want our kids to be responsible.
We want them to find their own voice and be respectful.
We want them to be who they are and be able to participate in social experiences and enjoy life.

These are not conflicting goals, but in real life, they can feel confusing to hold at the same time.

When we’re unsure, many of us end up flip-flopping:
being very understanding one moment, then very firm the next... without feeling grounded in either.

When Kindness Gets Confusing

One place this confusion often shows up is in how we define kindness, compassion, and empathy.

There is a way to acknowledge feelings, hold compassion, and say “no” to behavior... without excusing it.

We can understand why something happened
and still be the steady leader who says, with love, “That’s not okay.”

In fact, our kids need us to do this (They need OUR developed brains!).. within the safety of our relationship, so that when the world sets limits (often not so kindly), they already know what accountability feels like alongside support.

Understanding Is Information, Not Permission

Understanding behavior gives us valuable information:

• What’s developmentally appropriate
• What skill is still emerging
• Where regulation breaks down
• How we can support learning

Understanding guides us.

Excusing behavior, on the other hand, often removes the opportunity to learn.

It can look like:

  • jumping in too quickly

  • doing things for kids they can do themselves

  • preventing discomfort at all costs

When this happens repeatedly, kids miss chances to practice decision-making, problem-solving, and sitting with outcomes, the very experiences that build independence.

Why We Step In (and Why That Makes Sense)

Parents don’t excuse behavior because they don’t care.
We do it because we care deeply.

We step in because:

  • we’re short on time

  • it’s easier in the moment

  • watching our kids struggle is hard

I’ve been there.

There have been moments when I stepped in not because my child couldn’t handle something, but because I couldn’t tolerate watching the struggle.

The intention is love.
But the message kids can receive is:
“I don’t believe you can handle this.”

That’s not the message any of us want to send.

Independence Grows Through Practice...Not Control

Confidence, independence, and resilience don’t come from being controlled or rescued. They are skills that require a lot of practice!

They come from:

  • having choices

  • making mistakes

  • experiencing outcomes

  • being supported through discomfort

This requires parents to tolerate some discomfort too...and that’s not easy.

Life isn’t fair.
Kids will struggle.
There will be disappointment.

Protecting children from every hard moment doesn’t prepare them for life... it prepares them to rely on someone else to fix things.

Independence Starts Earlier Than We Think

I often see parents doing things for children that children are actually capable of doing themselves.

Sometimes it’s because we’re busy.
Sometimes it’s because it’s easier.
Sometimes the mess or slowness feels like too much.

And that makes sense.

But responsibility and independence begin early.. even at two and three years old.

This is when children can:

  • try zipping their coats

  • practice tying shoes

  • put away toys

  • carry dishes

  • create freely without correction

  • make simple choices

  • feed themselves and make a mess (this ones for you Tracy 😉)

Yes, it’s messy.
Yes, it takes longer.
Yes, it often creates more work at first.

And it’s also exactly when learning is happening.

Support Without Taking Over

Letting kids try doesn’t mean leaving them alone.

It means shifting from rescuing to teaching.

Support can look like:

  • breaking skills into small steps

  • modeling slowly

  • offering hand-over-hand help when needed

  • creating routines or songs

  • encouraging effort

  • celebrating progress

A half-zipped coat still counts.
An imperfect toy bin still counts.
Trying again after frustration still counts.

Effort matters more than perfection.

Letting Choices Land...With Connection

One of the most powerful gifts we can give children is the chance to experience the outcome of their choices, without shame and without rescue.

That might sound like:

“That was a tough choice.
I still love you.
I’m here.
You’re going to figure this out.”

This teaches accountability and emotional safety at the same time.

Kind and Firm Belong Together

Kind doesn’t mean boundary-free.

And firm doesn’t mean harsh.

Kind without firmness can feel confusing and anxiety-provoking.
Firm without kindness can feel unsafe.

But when we hold both, children feel supported and guided.

Kind sounds like:

“I see how hard this is.”

Firm sounds like:

“And this is still the expectation.”

Both can exist at once.

And When We Get It Wrong? Repair AND Self compassion.

We won't be perfect all the time and that's ok... remember this is a practice!

There will be times we step in when we meant to step back.
Times we rescue when we hoped to teach.

Repair matters.

Repair teaches children that mistakes, theirs and ours, are part of learning, not something to be ashamed of.

Repair isn’t just something we do with our kids.
It’s something we offer ourselves too.

Parenting is a practice.
We’re learning skills alongside our children.

And self-compassion is what allows us to keep showing up and trying again.

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What we want our kids to hear is:

“You made a hard choice.
I believe in you.
I’m here.
And we’re going to learn from this together.”

That belief builds confidence.
That structure creates safety.
And that balance... understanding and accountability... is what truly supports children now and prepares them for adulthood.


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For more tips see my other post on back to school, click HERE


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