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Kind AND Firm
How to Hold Boundaries With Love
So many parents reach out because they are overwhelmed.
They’re trying to balance life, teach skills, guide behavior, and just survive the day.
And often it feels like we’re on a yo-yo of extremes.
One moment we’re losing our patience and snapping.
The next moment we’re giving in just to keep the peace.
We swing between over-parenting and under-parenting — trying to control everything one moment and giving up the next.
It’s exhausting.
So the question becomes:
Is there a way to find the balance between kind and firm in our parenting?
What does that actually look like?
The Shift: Finding the AND
One of the most powerful shifts we can make is in our mindset.
Feelings can be validated.
The experience can be real.
AND the behavior can still be not okay.
That’s the AND.
And it applies to us just as much as it applies to our kids.
We can be:
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annoyed AND supportive
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tired AND present
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frustrated AND intentional
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angry AND respectful
Validating our own experience does not make us a bad parent.
If you are not enjoying every moment of parenting, that does not mean you are doing it wrong.
Social media often tells us that good parents are endlessly patient and joyful.
That’s not real life.
Parenting is meaningful and beautiful.
It is also hard, annoying, exhausting, and overwhelming at times.
Kids can be hard.
That does not mean:
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you have a bad child
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you are failing
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your child is going to be “messed up”
That’s fear talking.
When we can honor our feelings without shame, we create space to shift into compassion and intention. From that place, we choose our response instead of reacting.
And this is exactly the skill our kids need to learn.
Understanding Does Not Eliminate Accountability
For our kids, validation means:
“I see you.”
“You matter.”
“Your feelings make sense.”
It does NOT mean:
• Allowing all behavior
• Saying yes to every request
• Agreeing with poor choices
• Avoiding conflict
• Removing consequences
Healthy relationships require boundaries held with love.
Validation helps move a child from panic into regulation.
From fight-or-flight into a space where learning can happen.
It honors connection AND limits.
It might sound like:
“I can see you’re really disappointed AND it’s still time to leave.”
“I hear that you’re angry AND hitting isn’t okay.”
“It makes sense that this is hard AND you can handle it.”
All feelings are allowed.
Not all behaviors are.
Teaching Kids to Ask for What They Need
When children act out, it’s often because they don’t yet know how to say what they need.
Behavior is usually a way to communicate.
A child who screams may be saying:
“I’m overwhelmed.”
A child who hits may be saying:
“I don’t know how to handle this feeling.”
A child who shuts down may be saying:
“I feel embarrassed or unsure.”
If we only stop the behavior, we miss the opportunity to teach the skill underneath it.
Part of holding boundaries with love is teaching communication during struggle.
That can sound like:
“I can see this is really hard. when your ready here are your choices?”
“That looks stuck, let me know when you are ready for help”
Sometimes they won’t know.
And that’s okay.
Then we model it:
“You might be feeling frustrated because it didn’t go how you planned.”
“You might need help getting started.”
“You might need a minute before you try again.”
Over time, children begin to replace behavior with language.
Instead of yelling, grabbing, or melting down, they begin to say:
“I need help.”
“Can I try again?”
“I need a break.”
“I’m embarrassed.”
“I’m not ready.”
The goal is not to eliminate struggle.
The goal is to help our children recognize how they feel and what they needed in that moment...and learn how to ask for it.
The Skill Beneath the Skill
When we focus only on stopping behavior, we miss something deeper.
Every behavior moment carries a skill beneath the skill.
Underneath the meltdown might be:
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emotional regulation
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frustration tolerance
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flexible thinking
Underneath the grabbing might be:
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impulse control
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communication
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patience
Underneath the shutdown might be:
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fear of failure
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embarrassment
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needing reassurance
If we only correct the surface behavior, we address the symptom.
If we slow down and look for the skill beneath the skill, we teach growth.
This is integrative parenting...looking at the whole child and being proactive, not reactive!
Validation helps a child feel safe enough to regulate.
Boundaries create structure and clarity.
Clear expectations provide a roadmap.
Communication gives them language.
When we see behavior as information instead of defiance, we shift from punishment to teaching.
And that shift changes everything.
Responding Instead of Reacting
In hard moments, our nervous system is activated too.
When we feel rushed, embarrassed, disrespected, or overwhelmed, we react. (We will do this because we are human...more on that below!)
Reacting is fast.
Responding is intentional.
Reacting sounds like:
“Enough!”
“Why would you do that?”
“I’ve told you a hundred times!”
Responding sounds like:
“This is hard. Let’s pause.”
“I see what happened. Here’s what we’re going to do.”
“We’re going to try that again.”
Responding doesn’t mean being calm all the time.
It means noticing activation and choosing the next step with intention.
Sometimes that looks like:
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taking a breath
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lowering your voice
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stepping away for a moment
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reminding yourself of the expectation
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asking, “What is the skill beneath the skill here?”
When we respond instead of react, we model regulation.
And regulation is contagious.
Children borrow our nervous system before they build their own.
If we want them to pause, think, and choose differently...we have to show them how.
Clear Expectations Create Success
As parents, as leaders, we have to be clear about expectations.
We can’t be upset that a child did something “wrong” if we never clearly taught them what right looks like.
Kids are not mind readers.
If a child interrupts but we’ve never taught them how to wait…
If a child grabs but we’ve never taught them how to ask…
If a child melts down but we’ve never practiced what to do when overwhelmed…
Then the behavior isn’t defiance.
It’s a missing skill.
Clear expectations sound like:
“If you want a turn, you can say, ‘Can I have it when you’re done?’”
“In the store, you stay next to me.”
“If you feel overwhelmed, you can ask for help or take a break.”
This doesn’t eliminate struggle.
But it gives children a path.
It shifts us from reacting to behavior
to teaching success.
Communication and Reflection Matter
When behavior shows up, two things are happening:
Our child is communicating outward.
And we are communicating inward.
Before reacting, we can pause and ask ourselves:
Was the expectation clear?
Did I teach the skill I’m now expecting?
Am I reacting from fear, embarrassment, exhaustion, or urgency?
What is this bringing up in me?
This isn’t about blame.
It’s about leadership.
Parenting is leadership.
When we combine:
Validation
Clear expectations
Opportunities to communicate
Reflection
And boundaries held with love
We create safety.
We create growth.
We create resilience.
For them.
And for us.
And When I act human as a parent?
We repair.
Repair teaches:
“I’m human.”
“You’re human.”
“We can make mistakes and reconnect.”
That’s not failure.
That’s modeling growth.
The Takeaway
Kind and firm are not opposites.
Validation is not permission.
Connection and accountability can exist at the same time.
This balance is not about being perfect.
It’s about practicing.
Practicing again.
Reflecting.
Repairing.
Rinse and repeat.
If you’d like support practicing these tools in real life, I offer focused strategy sessions and a 6-week parenting class where we go deeper into these skills, without shame, guilt, or punishment.
Because parenting isn’t about fixing kids.
It’s about building skills...for them and for us.
~Kirsten
https://www.connectionsparentcoaching.com/
For more tips on parenting follow me on instagram @connectionsparentcoaching
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