.png)
Leading From the Bench: Raising Resilient Kids with the AND approach
We can all relate to a moment when it feels like life has benched us.
For lack of a better term...it sucks!
It’s easy to get caught up in what isn’t working.
Who caused it.
What should have happened.
How unfair it feels.
And if we’re honest, that mindset is everywhere right now.
We can stay there.
Or we can shift.
When my kids were little and something felt unfair or disappointing, I would often say:
“Tell me about it. Let’s sit here for a minute in it and feel bad.”
Because feelings matter.
Sometimes they needed to vent.
Sometimes they needed quiet.
Sometimes they needed perspective.
(They even learned to tell me: “I need to vent,” or “I need advice.”)
And when they were ready, not before...we ask:
What can you control from here? (Little ones may need some help on this)
Sometimes that meant making a gratitude list.
Sometimes we put it on the fridge as a reminder that life hadn’t taken everything away.
Not to deny disappointment.
But to expand the view.
What Does It Look Like When Life Benches You?
Maybe it’s a combination of things you didn’t deserve.
Maybe it’s a consequence you do have to own.
Maybe you did everything “right” and still didn’t get the outcome you hoped for.
That happens.
From stacking blocks that fall over…
To not making the team…
To being passed over for a promotion.
Leadership isn’t built when everything is going well.
It’s built when you don’t like where you’ve been placed...and you choose how to respond anyway.
Looking back at Abby Wambach’s career, people could argue both sides of decisions her coaches made at that World Cup Game.
But arguing about the decision doesn’t change the decision.
And staying stuck in what we can’t control keeps us on the bench.
Parenting works the same way.
We don’t get to choose every outcome.
We don’t get to control every behavior.
We don’t get to avoid every disappointment.
But we do get to choose:
How we regulate ourselves.
How we speak.
How we model resilience.
How we lead.
Before We Talk About “How”
It’s important to say this:
These aren’t rigid steps.
They’re tools.
Sometimes you’ll use one.
Sometimes you’ll use several together.
Sometimes you’ll circle back.
Leadership isn’t linear.
It’s responsive.
The goal isn’t perfection.
It’s awareness and intention.
How Do We Make the Shift?
1. Pause and preset yourself.
Before you respond, pause.
Not just to breathe... but to decide who you want to be in this moment.
Ask yourself:
What do I want to achieve here?
Do I need to listen?
Teach?
Set a boundary?
Gather information?
Calm the situation?
When we don’t preset, we default to reacting.
When we preset, we lead.
Sometimes your preset is:
“I’m just going to listen.”
Sometimes it’s:
“My goal is connection, not correction.”
Sometimes it’s:
“I’m holding the line calmly.”
That small shift changes everything.
2. Acknowledge what’s true.
There is always something true in a hard moment.
Maybe it’s:
“I’m disappointed.”
“This feels unfair.”
“I’m overwhelmed.”
“They’re struggling.”
“This didn’t go how I hoped.”
Naming what is true doesn’t mean you approve of it.
It means you’re grounded in reality.
Validation is awareness...not agreement.
This is the AND.
I can feel disappointed AND choose how I respond.
I can acknowledge unfairness AND focus on what I control.
I can validate my child’s frustration AND still hold expectations.
That’s integrative parenting.
3. Choose what’s in your control.
You may not control:
The outcome.
Other people’s reactions.
The decision that was made.
Your child’s feelings.
But you do control:
Your tone.
Your next step.
Your boundary.
Your modeling.
Your response.
Sometimes leadership is one small step in the right direction.
One calmer sentence.
One slower breath.
One decision not to escalate.
Progress often looks small.
4. Build your support system.
Leadership does not mean doing life alone.
Find your people.
The ones who hold space.
Who get you.
Who understand you.
Who make you feel seen, heard, and understood.
We all need belonging.
Especially in parenting.
When we feel supported, we respond differently.
When we feel isolated, we react.
Strong leaders surround themselves wisely.
And a word of wisdom here:
Support isn’t people who fuel your story or escalate your anger.
It’s not people who validate every reaction without reflection.
True support holds space without feeding the fire.
It sounds like:
“I hear how hard that is.”
“What part of this is in your control?”
“How do you want to show up?”
“I’ve got you...and I believe you can handle this.”
Support should steady you...it should help you regulate.
Not rehearse resentment.
Leadership grows in spaces where we feel seen with those that can hold space and reflect WITH you!
5. Practice “time and place.”
This is something I’ve taught my kids from a young age:
There is a time and a place for things.
There is a time to vent.
A time to process.
A time to reflect.
A time to move forward.
As parents, that applies to us too.
Not every frustration needs immediate expression.
Not every setback deserves permanent residence in our thinking.
Sometimes leadership means saying:
“I’m going to sit with this.”
And sometimes it means:
“It’s time to shift.”
Teaching our kids this skill gives them emotional containment without suppression.
Feel it.
Name it.
Process it.
Then choose what’s next.
This Is the AND Approach.
We honor feelings AND hold boundaries.
We validate experiences AND teach responsibility.
We allow disappointment AND build resilience.
We respond instead of react.
And when we act human?
We repair.
Leadership in parenting isn’t about perfect moments on the field.
It’s about who we are when it feels like we’ve been sidelined.
That’s where resilience is built.
That’s where confidence grows.
That’s where kids learn that disappointment doesn’t define them ...their response does.
And that might be the most important lesson of all!
✨If this resonates with you, this is the kind of work we practice inside my 6-week parenting class...building resilience, regulation, and leadership in real life moments.
More details are on my website if you’re curious.
https://www.connectionsparentcoaching.com/
For more tips on parenting follow me on instagram @connectionsparentcoaching
Comments
Post a Comment