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Play Is Not “Just Play”
I may surprise you as I share some of my favorite memories with my kids from when they were young… but here we go…
Running barefoot through the yard trying to catch “butterflies”… actually moths.
Running and jumping through puddles… and the best part was racing those red coupe cars right through them.
A crazy mudball fight in the backyard.
Laser tag late at night.
Fort building for days… no one could actually use the couch.
Hard moments that turned into dance parties because everything felt out of control — and somehow a simple dance party was exactly what everyone needed.
Making dinner together.
Cleaning together.
Snuggling up on the couch… often starting with complaining and groaning and ending with all of us under blankets together.
These memories have nothing to do with teaching letters, reading, or test scores.
They have nothing to do with getting anything done or accomplished.
It was play.
It was connection.
It was fun.
AND
At the very same time…
We were learning some of the most valuable skills, the ones that truly matter.
I used to call it learning HOW to learn.
Because the reality is this:
Life is full of big feelings ....joy, frustration, excitement, disappointment…
…and we all need to learn how to move through them.
What may look like simple play on the surface is actually where some of the most important developmental skills are built.
The skills that support your child’s ability to:
- participate
- communicate
- navigate everyday challenges
💛 The Core Skills Built Through Play
💛 1. Connection & Safety
Before children can learn, they need to feel safe.
This looks like:
- Staying close to a caregiver
- Checking back in during play
- Feeling secure enough to explore
When children feel safe and connected, their nervous system is ready to learn and engage.
🧠 2. Regulation
Regulation is your child’s ability to manage their body and emotions.
In early childhood, this is something we co-build with them.
You might see:
- Big reactions when things don’t go their way
- Difficulty calming down
- Needing support to transition
These moments aren’t “bad behavior”…
They are opportunities.
Opportunities to build regulation.
⏳ 3. Waiting
Waiting is a skill that many young children are just beginning to develop.
This includes:
- Taking turns
- Not getting something immediately
- Pausing before acting
Waiting is deeply connected to impulse control and later executive functioning skills.
💥 4. Frustration Tolerance
This is the ability to stay with something even when it’s hard.
In play, this might look like:
- A puzzle not fitting
- A toy not working the way they expected
- Not getting what they want
Instead of removing frustration…
We support children in working through it.
🔄 5. Flexibility
Flexibility is the ability to adjust when things don’t go as planned.
You might notice:
- Wanting things done a specific way
- Difficulty when routines change
- Struggles when others do something differently
Flexibility helps children navigate real life...where things don’t always go as expected.
⚖️ 6. Choices Within Limits
Children need both autonomy AND structure.
We support this by offering:
- Clear, consistent boundaries
- Simple choices within those boundaries
For example:
“You can use the blocks or the cars.”
“It’s time to clean up, do you want to start with the books or the toys?”
This builds independence while maintaining safety and expectations.
And here’s the part that matters…
Children often struggle with choices...not because they don’t want them…
…but because they don’t yet have the skills to handle not getting the choice they were hoping for.
(I think we can all relate to that, even as adults!)
That moment of:
“I don’t want either of those!”
Isn’t really about the choices.
It’s about:
- frustration tolerance
- regulation
- flexibility
⚖️ Our Approach: Feelings AND Skills
Yes...education matters. I am a teacher after all.
AND
To be ready for life, the world, and learning…
Children need these skills just as much, and maybe even more.
Skills don’t just happen.
Just like manners, they need to be:
- taught
- modeled
- practiced
- expected
Your kids CAN do this.
They are capable of so much when we give them the opportunity.
Tell them how.
Show them how.
Stay with them while they practice.
Let them learn, and yes… sometimes struggle...through play.
🧩 How We Support These Skills (At Home & In Play)
These skills don’t just develop on their own.
They are built in small, everyday moments...with support from the adults around them.
💛 Connection & Safety
Built through:
- Predictable routines and rhythms
- Clear, calm communication
- Being present and responsive
When children know what to expect and feel understood, they feel safe enough to explore.
I also want to name something I see often... and have experienced myself as a parent.
When children push back or have big reactions, it can make us feel like we’re doing something wrong.
It’s easy to second-guess ourselves.
It’s easy to give in just to make the moment easier.
But safety doesn’t come from removing every hard moment.
It comes from staying grounded.
Staying steady.
Even when it’s uncomfortable.
That doesn’t mean we don’t reflect, of course we do.
AND
We don’t need to jump in the hole with them.
We can acknowledge the feeling…
and respond with intention.
🧠 Regulation
Children borrow our calm before they can create their own.
At home, this can look like creating a simple rhythm when your child is upset:
- Name the feeling
- Give permission for the feeling
- Stay present and grounded
- Model simple tools
We’re not expecting them to know how to do this yet.
We are showing them HOW.
And over time…
they begin to do it themselves.
⏳ Waiting
Even a few seconds of waiting matters.
In the moment, I use simple, consistent language:
“You’re doing a great job waiting.”
(Even when they’re still learning.)
Waiting happens all day:
- waiting for a drink
- waiting for a meal
- waiting for your attention
These are not interruptions to learning…
They are the learning.
And yes, it is okay to say:
“Not right now.”
This is how children learn:
- they are safe
- their needs will be met
- they can handle the space in between
💥 Frustration Tolerance
Frustration is not the problem.
Avoiding it is.
Frustration tolerance is the ability to move through a hard moment and stay engaged.
At home, this can look like:
- pausing
- resetting
- trying again
Sometimes we put things away ...and sometimes that makes sense.
AND
If we always remove the challenge…
they don’t get the chance to build the skill.
We’re not forcing them through it.
We’re supporting them in learning:
“I can do hard things… with help.”
🔄 Flexibility
Flexibility starts with safety.
Children need:
- routine
- predictability
- clear expectations
First.
Then…
we gently stretch.
Flexibility isn’t built from chaos.
It’s built from structure, and then supported change.
⚖️ Choices Within Limits
This is where leadership comes in.
Calm. Steady. Clear.
At home, this means telling children what they can do.
Instead of:
“no”
“don’t”
“stop”
We guide them with:
“You can…”
But here’s the real work:
Staying steady when they don’t like the choices.
Because often…
they won’t.
And that moment matters.
That’s where they learn how to:
- handle disappointment
- tolerate frustration
- move forward when things don’t go their way
“You really wanted something different… AND these are the choices right now.”
We’re not trying to get them to like the limit.
We’re teaching them how to move through it.
That’s leadership.
💛 Closing
These skills don’t develop overnight... new skills take time and practice!
They are built in small, everyday moments...through play, through connection, through the hard moments and the fun ones.
You don’t have to do it perfectly. (thank goodness for repair, that will be in another post!)
You just have to stay present…
stay grounded…
and keep showing your child what it looks like.
Over time, those moments add up.
And that’s where the growth happens.
Kirsten Nichter, MSed
Certified Jai Parent Coach & Certified Positive Discipline Educator
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