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When Your Child Acts Out Their Feelings... and You've Had It
Kids often act out their feelings. Their behavior is often how they communicate when they are little, especially in the harder moments.
Children are not born with the skills to know how to handle frustration, communicate feelings, tolerate disappointment, or navigate disagreements. They learn these skills over time because their brains are still developing.
When a child bites, has a meltdown, yells, hits, or refuses, they are not being difficult.
They are not being manipulative.
They are not bad.
And they are not trying to make our lives hard (although it can certainly feel that way sometimes!).
The feelings they have in that moment are real and valid. They simply do not yet have the skills to communicate how they are feeling and ask for what they need.
This is one of the skills needed for emotional regulation: learning how to feel your feelings so that you can communicate with others in a respectful way. Our little ones are just learning how to do this.
Often, we see the behavior and, as parents, panic a bit. It can feel like something is wrong with our child. Sometimes there may be a developmental need, and sometimes they are missing a skill. Often, both things can be true.
As parents, educators, and humans, it is more comfortable when we get to the end result of emotional regulation because that's when people have the skills to communicate how they feel and what they need in a kind and respectful way.
But let's be honest...we are all still working on doing this consistently. It leads me to reason that our littles, with underdeveloped brains and far less practice, are definitely still learning this skill!
The goal isn't to shut down feelings or simply stop behavior.
The goal is to help children learn to:
- Identify feelings
- Communicate needs
- Manage frustration
- Tolerate disappointment
- Solve problems
- Repair when they are not perfect
- Take responsibility for their choices
Those are the skills.
As I stated previously, since we are human and no one is perfect, sometimes our emotions get the best of us. With emotional regulation, it is just as important to teach and model what to do when we make mistakes.
No one is perfect.
We are human.
One of the greatest skills we can teach children is how to handle it when they make a choice that doesn't align with their values or intentions.
We all hurt people we care about sometimes.
That is why repair is such an important skill.
When we "act out" our feelings instead of communicating how we feel and what we need, when we make a choice that doesn't align with our values or our intent, our job is to take responsibility for our part.
To repair.
Repair speaks to the actions, choices, and behaviors that caused hurt, even when that was never the intention.
This helps children learn that mistakes happen. Mistakes do not make them bad or unlovable.
They make them human.
Kids learn repair by watching adults model it.
They learn to say:
"I'm sorry that I did X. I can see that it hurt you, and I'm sorry for what I did. I understand the impact it had on you. Here is what I'm going to do differently next time."
Teaching kids how to feel their feelings, communicate their needs, and take responsibility are all skills.
Feelings are always okay.
Behavior has limits.
And skills are what help us bridge the gap between the two.
When we go through this process with our kids, we show them how to have feelings, communicate what they need, listen when someone has been hurt, and respond without shame.
That is emotional regulation.
That is resilience.
That is how social-emotional skills are built.
Raising little humans into big humans is no small task.
If this post resonated with you, have questions, or would like support for your family, I'd love to connect.
This is the work I love...supporting families as they build connection, teach skills, navigate hard moments, and remember that growth is a process for both kids and adults.
I'll continue sharing parenting insights, practical tools, and encouragement here, so be sure to check back for future posts.
You don't have to do it perfectly, and you don't have to do it alone.
Kirsten Nichter, MSed
Certified Jai Parent Coach & Certified Positive Discipline Educator
https://www.connectionsparentcoaching.com/
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