We All Make Mistakes, knowing what to do next is what matters...
I was watching a movie for the second time the other night, and one part had me thinking long after it was over.
The main character had left home. He felt like a failure because he had hurt the people he loved. At one point, he turned to a friend and said, I'm just not good at this. I keep making mistakes.
His friend gave him some really good advice.
He said, We all make mistakes. It's what you do after that matters. Do you keep showing up?
That line stuck with me.
But honestly, what caught my attention even more was what happened next.
He left assuming he would never be forgiven. He never even tried.
He was carrying something I think all of us experience at times...shame.
Instead of seeing that the people he loved were telling him they were hurt because they wanted a better relationship, he believed those mistakes meant he wasn't good enough.
So he left.
He carried so much shame that he never even gave the people he loved the chance.
I couldn't stop thinking about that because I think we do this more often than we realize.
If you've followed me for a while, you've probably heard me say that I'm not a perfect parent.
And I truly mean that.
I'm certainly not writing this from a place of having it all figured out. I'm writing this as a mom who has made plenty of mistakes and as someone who has spent nearly twenty years helping children and families build emotional regulation, communication, executive functioning, and stronger relationships and giving them and their kids permission not to be perfect.
There have been moments that I have lost my patience, I have reacted instead of responded and I have apologized to my children more times than I can count.
I've had moments I'm not proud of.
So when I tell parents that perfection isn't the goal, I'm speaking from experience, both personal and professional.
Here's what I've learned...
The goal was never perfection.
The goal is learning what to do next!
Because we're all going to make mistakes. That's part of being human.
The skill isn't avoiding mistakes.
The skill is learning how to repair them.
And honestly, I don't think we talk about that part enough.
Repair is so much more than saying, "I'm sorry."
Repair starts with emotional regulation. It starts with noticing what's happening inside of us, calming our nervous system enough to stay curious instead of defensive, and taking responsibility for our part instead of explaining it away. That's what allows us to truly repair.
And here's another piece I don't think we talk about enough...
If we want our children to learn healthy communication, we have to create relationships where they feel safe enough to tell us when we've hurt them.
Think about that for a minute.
When your child says, "That hurt my feelings," or "I didn't like when you yelled," they're giving you a gift.
They're trusting you with something vulnerable.
In that moment, they're not asking you to defend yourself or explain why you reacted the way you did.
They're really asking one question:
"Is it safe to tell you when I'm hurting?"
Our response teaches them the answer.
If we immediately say, "Well, you..." or "I only did that because..." or "That's not what happened..." the conversation usually ends.
But if we can regulate ourselves first...
If we can stay curious...
If we can simply say, "Thank you for telling me." "I can see how that hurt you." "I'm sorry."
...we teach something so much bigger than an apology.
We teach our children that their voice matters.
We teach them that relationships are safe places to tell the truth.
We teach them that people who love each other can have hard conversations, take accountability, repair, and stay connected.
That's emotional regulation in action.
Sometimes repair sounds as simple as:
"I yelled, and that wasn't okay."
"I'm sorry."
"Let's try that again."
This accountability leaves out blame, excuses and defensiveness and leaves room for connection.
Repair isn't about proving why we reacted the way we did, it's about helping the other person feel seen, safe, and connected again.
.png)
.png)
Kids don't need perfect parents, knowing what to do next is what matters!
We all make mistakes, that is why repair matters so much.
It builds trust and strengthens connection and maybe most importantly, it teaches our children how to do the same.
Our children won't learn accountability because we tell them to be accountable. They learn it because they watch us... when we make mistakes what do we do? They watch us regulate our emotions and take responsibility so that we can repair.
Research has been telling us this for years. Dr. Dan Siegel reminds us that secure relationships aren't built because there's never conflict. They're built through rupture and repair. Brené Brown reminds us that shame tells us we're not worthy of connection, while accountability is what actually allows us to reconnect.
That's the lesson I hope my children carry with them.
Not that their mom was perfect.
Because I wasn't and I want them to know that is ok.
I hope they remember that when I got it wrong, I came back, I repaired even when I was unsure and that I tried to do better the next time.
I kept showing up.
Because we all make mistakes...It's what we do after those mistakes that matters.
And I believe learning how to repair is one of the greatest emotional regulation skills we can teach our children.
When you really think about it, resilience and emotional regulation aren't built in the perfect moments.
They're built in the messy middle, those uncomfortable moments!
They're built when we lose our patience, realize we made a mistake, regulate ourselves, come back, and repair. They're built when our children see that relationships can survive hard conversations and experience accountability, forgiveness, connection, and love...all in the same relationship! That's what teaches them they can make mistakes without believing they are the mistake. That's what teaches them to take responsibility without carrying shame. And hopefully, that's what teaches them to keep showing up.
Because we all make mistakes.
The mistake isn't what defines us.
What we do next does.
Parenting isn't about getting it right all the time. It's about learning, growing, repairing, and showing up again and again.
For nearly 20 years, I've been helping children and families build emotional regulation, communication, executive functioning, and stronger relationships through connection, communication, brain science, and practical strategies that work in everyday life.
If this message resonated with you and you're looking for support building these skills in your own family, I'd love to help, my goal is simple: to help you feel more confident, more connected, and better equipped to navigate the messy moments of parenting.
You don't have to figure it out alone. If you're ready to take the next step, I'd love to support you. Reach out anytime.
Kirsten Nichter, MSed
Certified Jai Parent Coach & Certified Positive Discipline Educator
Comments
Post a Comment