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The Skills That Really Matter This School Year
Then I remind myself of something I tell parents all the time.
So instead of matching her anxiety, I'm trying to stay calm.
I'm trying to ask questions instead of giving answers, I am trying to ask about life and not just the "list" and making sure she is doing what she is "supposed" to be doing... I'm reminding myself that confidence grows from doing hard things...not from someone else doing them for us.
1. Problem-Solving
At 20, problem-solving might look like realizing the Wi-Fi isn't working, a roommate didn't do what they agreed to do, or something went wrong with the move-in plan...and figuring out what to try next.
At 4, it might look like not being able to get the Lego pieces apart, realizing the cup they wanted is dirty, or another child having the toy they wanted to play with at school.
Our instinct is often to solve it.
We know the answer! And honestly, sometimes it would be SO much faster to just fix it.
But when we solve every little problem, our kids miss the chance to experience themselves as problem-solvers.
One small shift: During a routine you're already doing, pause before fixing.
Getting dressed and they can't find their shoes?
Instead of, "They're by the door!"
Try:
"Hmm...where could you look, I am sure you will figure it out?"
That's it. You don't have to turn it into a lesson. Just help them through the problem-solving process with a question instead of immediately giving them the answer and a little encouragement.
2. Emotional Regulation
At 20, emotional regulation might mean getting an upsetting text, feeling overwhelmed by school, or having a disagreement with a roommate...and being able to feel all of that without completely falling apart or making the situation bigger.
At 4, it might be the wrong color cup.
And to them, that can feel just as BIG.
Regulation isn't about teaching kids not to get upset. It's helping them learn, little by little, what to do when they are upset.
One small shift: Use a moment that's already happening to help them notice what is happening in their body.
Maybe you're trying to get out the door and frustration is building.
Instead of jumping right to, "Calm down," try:
"Your body looks really frustrated. Let's slow down for a second."
We aren't making the feeling disappear. We're helping them learn how to move through it. We're teaching them that feelings are okay, they are okay, AND we can keep going.
3. Flexible Thinking
At 20, flexibility might look like a class being canceled, work changing their schedule, a roommate changing plans, or realizing Plan A just isn't going to work.
At 4, it might be a change in routine, their favorite pajamas being in the wash, or someone else sitting in "their" chair.
Same skill. Different problem.
Flexibility doesn't grow because we make sure everything always goes according to plan.
It grows from having small, manageable opportunities to experience:
That wasn't what I wanted...AND I can figure out what to do next.
One small shift: When a small plan changes, resist the urge to immediately make it better.
Try:
"That's not what we planned. What else could we do?"
You can help if they need it. We're not leaving them alone with the problem. We're just not taking away every opportunity to practice flexibility.
4. Communication & Asking for Help
At 20, communication might look like telling a roommate something is bothering you without blowing up, emailing a professor when you don't understand something, or being able to say, "I messed this up and I need help."
At 4, communication often starts with us noticing what our child is already communicating through their behavior.
Grabbing. Hitting. Yelling. Getting frustrated and giving up.
Instead of only focusing on stopping the behavior, we can help guide them toward the more functional language we eventually want them to be able to use on their own.
"Can I have a turn?"
"Help me."
"I don't like that."
"Can you open it?"
We're modeling the words now so eventually they don't need us to give them the words.
One small shift: Before automatically doing something for your child, give them a chance to communicate what they need.
If they're reaching and yelling for their cup, pause and model:
"Cup, please." or "Can I have my cup?"
Then give them a chance to try.
They don't have to say it perfectly. We're not withholding something until they "get it right." We're simply using an everyday moment to practice the communication skill we eventually want them to use on their own.
5. Waiting & Impulse Control
At 20, impulse control might look like not sending the angry text immediately, waiting before making a decision, listening while someone else talks, or stopping and thinking before reacting.
At 4, we're starting much smaller.
Waiting while Mom finishes pouring the milk. Taking turns during a game. Stopping at the curb. Waiting for another child to finish with a toy.
Impulse control doesn't suddenly show up because we tell our kids, "You need to be patient."
It develops through practice.
One small shift: Build tiny waits into something you're already doing.
At breakfast:
"I'm going to finish making my coffee and then I'll get your cereal."
Maybe that's 20 seconds.
And while they're waiting, notice it:
"You're doing a great job waiting."
That's practice.
We're not trying to frustrate them on purpose or make them wait unnecessarily. We're simply using an everyday moment to practice waiting and delayed gratification, so when they need that skill at school, they've already practiced it at home in a safe and loving environment.
6. Independence & Recovering From Mistakes
At 20, independence might look like managing your schedule, doing laundry, remembering what you need, making a mistake, dealing with the consequence, and figuring out what to do next.
And yes...sometimes watching your kid learn those lessons at twenty is HARD...really, really hard!!!
At 4, independence might look like putting their shoes in the basket or putting on their own shes, even if it is the wrong feet, carrying their own backpack, cleaning up spilled milk, putting clothes in the hamper, trying to put on their own coat, or remembering one step of the morning routine.
Will it take longer? Yep.
Will they do it exactly the way you would? Probably not.
And sometimes you'll be standing there thinking, "I could have done this in six seconds...and their shoes are on the wrong feet!"
I get it. It's hard not to jump in and fix it....But this is their practice!
Let them try. Let them figure some of it out. Let it be a little imperfect.
We all start somewhere when we're learning a new skill...and none of us starts out doing it perfectly!
One small shift: Choose ONE thing in a routine you're already doing that your child can begin doing for themselves.
Maybe tomorrow morning, instead of handing them their backpack, you say:
"Your backpack is ready. You can grab it on the way out."...Then let them!
It's All Practice
The funny thing as I'm writing this is that I teach these skills to parents. I practice them with little kids. I'm trying to step back and give my own young adult kids the space to use them.
And I'm still practicing them myself. Every. Single. Day.
These aren't just school-readiness skills...They are LIFE SKILLS!
And none of us ever really stops practicing them.
So yes, buy the backpack. Label the water bottle. Pack the lunch. Help your college kid figure out what they need for their first house.
Those things do matter....AND don't forget about the things that aren't on the back-to-school list too.
The skills our kids need to handle frustration, solve problems, ask for help, be flexible and keep going when things get hard.
And just like we prepare for the practical stuff, we can prepare for these moments too.
We can PRESET.
We can think ahead to where our child might struggle, talk about what to expect, and practice the skills they might need while everyone is calm...before they're trying to figure it all out in the middle of a hard moment.
That's why I created my free PRESET Guide. It's a simple way to help you think ahead, prepare for those moments that tend to get tricky, and practice the skills your child will need before emotions are BIG.
And remember, the goal isn’t to get it perfect. It’s to practice.
Kirsten Nichter, MSed
Certified Jai Parent Coach & Certified Positive Discipline Educator
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